Straight In At Number 1 : The Real Jim Shady by The Fat Controller‏

May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Jim Shady please stand up?
 I repeat, will the real Jim Shady please stand up?
We're gonna have a problem here........

You all act like you never seen a Delboy before
Jaws all on the floor, like Harry when he heard the whole furore
And started spanking his flacid dick, even worse than before
He hit the bottle bad and made his belly hit the floor

It's the return of the... "Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding,
he didn't just say what I think he did, did he?" “I didn’t steal nothing”
And Dr Skint said, he said nothing you idiots!
Dr. Skint's skint, he can’t afford the internet

"Jim Shady, I'm sick of him
Look at him, walkin around grabbing the dough from Oz,
Betting the you-know-who whats,", "Yeah, but he's so believable though"
So the drink means he’s got a couple of screws up in his head loose
But no worse, than what's goin on in alco Harry’s bedroom
They wanna get on mortonunofficial and give out fuck,
But can't but it's cool cos Roobs is Harry's Orville Duck

"Ernie’s bum’s on Rhubarb’s lips, his bum’s on Rhubarb’s lips
And if he’s lucky, he’ll let him give it a little kiss
And that's the message that Roobs will deliver to the board
And expect them not to know how to spot a fucking fraud
Of course they’re gonnae know what dodgy books are
They got calculators, brains and most of them were there
"We ain't nothing but mammals?”, “Well, some sleekit friends are cannibals”
Who pocketed the dough and sit laughing at supposed pals

But if I can zero cash tills and lose the final tally take
That’s no reason to think that a man is on the make
So if you feel like I feel, I think I got the antidote
Hit The Willow, drink it off, sing my chorus and it goes

I'm Jim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady
All you other Jim Shadys are just imitating
So won't the real Jim Shady please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up?

Ozzie Iain disnae swear in his mails to get attention
But Harry does, so fuck Iain, he’d bore the baws aff an elephant
You think I give a damn about thirteen grand me ?
You two fuckwits can't even stomach, let alone stand me

"But Jim, what if you win, beat Nick the lying toad
Why? So you two bumboys can go home and blow your load ?
Shit, I’d rather get pished and fall up the Willow stairs
I’m potless already, the Trust can’t get any mair

Yer a wanker anyway Harry, you put me in “The Tilly”
Then sat at home in Glasgow, spanked the heid right aff yer willie
I should have put the lot I made on Trap 5,
Then told you and Skippy to fuck off and get a life

I'm sick of you and that Aussie fuckwit, all you do is annoy me
I’ve spunked yer dough away, how much does that destroy ye,
At least there’s two others on the net us just like me
Who think like me, who just don't give a fuck like me
who hide like me; walk, stalk and lie like me,
and just might be the next low thing but not quite me!


Stuart’s like a head trip to listen to, cause he’s only giving clear
The truth about that night and the dough that disappeared
He couldn’t give a shit about the fake doc’s attacks  
Cos deep down he knows that you can’t deny the FACTS
He just gets on the boards and spits it
And whether you like to admit it, you pure shit it
Cos you know that the numbers that you gave can never tally
Sure how could they, when half of them went on the fucking swally
And when you get round to tearing up the last of your dockets  
You'll be the only person in the Willow dipping pockets
Pinching Rhubarbs arse there and getting off with David E
While Ernie pulls their strings like fucking Sooty and Sweep
And every dodgy pal could be a Jim Shady in the grass
He could be working at the fans match, cos he’d the brass neck to ask

Or in the Willow bar, steaming, greeting "I don't give a fuck!"
With his trooser pockets empty and his palms turned up
So, will the real Shady please stand up?
And put one of those hands on either arm up
And get your pride back for fuck sake before you grab your bunnet
And tell yer two pals what we all know “It was me, I dunnit”

 Ha ha
Guess there's a Jim Shady in all three of them, fuck it, let ‘em all stand up